Therapy
by Rainy D
Summary: You thought I was going to reveal something that would let you delve deeper into my sorry mind, didn’t you? Maybe next time. (shounen ai, swearing) (3 of ?)
1. Author's Notes

Author's Notes  
  
Sadly, I do not own Ken, Daisuke, Digimon or any of the songs lyrics. Akari- san is my own dull creation, filling the role of Ken's shrink. Please don't steal her, not that you'd want to. I also made up the flower thing. Please don't steal that either, I'm actually quite proud of it.  
  
The songs lyrics are written by Tenacious D, Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Aqualung respectively.  
  
Apologies for large, frequent gaps between updates. Inspiration is hard to come by these days, as I have no muse. This fic is spurred on solely by my immense love for Ken and his tortured pretty little head. It follows the same stream as all of my other Digimon fics, i.e. it contains Ken and Ken Loves Daisuke. That is all. Enjoy. 


	2. So It Begins

Once every hundred dozen years or so  
When the sun doth shine  
And the moon doth glow  
And the grass began to grow...  
  
Chapter One  
So it begins.  
  
One red rose to flirt with.  
Two red roses for passion.  
Three red roses for love.  
  
"Ken, are you listening to me?"  
  
One white lily for purity.  
Two white lilies for eternity.  
Three white lilies for death.  
  
"Ken, I need you to tell me what you're thinking."  
  
One...  
One sakura blossom...  
What...what was sakura again?  
  
"Ken, please talk to me!"  
"W-what?"  
Oh, Akari-san. You startled me.  
"What's on your mind, Ken? You can tell me, you know."  
You say it like it's something easy. Perhaps it is for people like you, with your white cardigan and gold rimmed glasses. You shouldn't have dyed your hair red, Akari-san. It clashes with your eyes. You look tired. You should get some sleep. Have a mug of steaming tea one night, draped on the sofa with your dressing gown on, in front of the fire. It's very relaxing, you know.  
"I was thinking about flowers."  
There's no use in lying, I suppose. That's right, scribble it down in your little notebook. It's the one with the sheep on, isn't it? Yes, I thought so.   
"What kind of flowers, Ken?"  
"The ones at weddings...funerals...places like that."  
"Are you thinking about Osamu's funeral?"  
Ah, you see, now you've got that glint in your eyes, just like all the others. I don't like your tone of voice, Akari-san. You aren't on to something, as you like to make yourself believe. Oh dear me, it's time to leave. You can go back to your four star apartment, put on your fluffy pink slippers, chuck your notes on the glass table and pull up a good book. Forget about Ken, forget me, for am I just a figment of your pitiful imagination. Until next week. And I shall go back to my little house and curl up on the bed and think about committing suicide until Daisuke comes home, and he'll order tea and ask me about my day. Or something like that.  
But there's still ten minutes to go. So you stare at me with your dull eyes, pen quivering in your hand, ready to capture a single word that might slip from my lips.   
Well hah hah, I'm not as stupid as you may think. Mentally deranged, yes. Thick, no. Or have you forgotten I was once a world renowned genius, Akari-san? I still am, I think. I don't read the news. Or watch it. Whatever.  
"Mm. Not really."  
I almost feel sorry for you. You thought I was going to reveal something that would let you delve deeper into my sorry mind, didn't you? Maybe next time.  
I want to go home now. It's time to go home now, Akari-san. Oh, I already said that, didn't I? Never mind. Except this time, it really is. I'm not even going to wait for you to tell me I can go. Respect your elders? You're only two years old than me.   
Good bye Akari-san. Until next time. If there is one.  
  
Oh, I remembered now.   
One sakura blossom for peace.  
Two sakura blossoms for dedication.  
Three sakura blossoms makes you my god.  
  
Be you angels?  
Nay, we are but men. 


	3. I

One day I feel so happy  
Next day I feel so sad   
I guess I have to learn the good with the bad  
Each night I ask the stars up above  
Why must I be a teenager in love?  
  
Chapter Two  
...I...  
  
I never liked beaches. They're cold. And noisy. But Daisuke brings me every weekend anyway. I think I never told him I don't like beaches. Now is as good a time as any. But I don't think I will.  
They used to say no one could understand me. I think you do though, Daisuke. You don't ask questions like them, you've just learnt to accept my silence. I think we have a bond, in our minds.  
Not in our hearts.  
Shall I tell you why? I'm going to anyway.  
Because everyday, you tell me you love me. It's the first thing you say when you wake up, and the last thing before you go to bed. But I have never said it to you once. Not ever, not even when we were younger. I know I do, but something in me is warning me not to say it, or I'll get hurt. Will I die without telling you? Probably.  
Daisuke, I...I...  
God, I can't even write it.  
The last person I said 'I love you' to was...I can't remember. Well, I can. But I wouldn't tell you.  
  
You're so beautiful  
You're so perfect  
  
Daisuke, did I ever tell you how gorgeous you are when the sun splashes on your eyes? I can see that smile playing on your lips, that one only I'm allowed to see. I could tell you now. I think I will. Except that's not what comes out of my mouth.  
"Don't leave me."  
Why do always say that?  
"I won't."  
And your reply is always the same. One day I think it'll be different. I think one day I'll say don't leave me and you'll say  
"fuck you ichijouji you never fucking loved me did you? yeah well you can just fuck off you little shit i hate you"  
and then I'll go home and think about commiting suicide until you come, but you never will and I'll just lie there for ever and ever thinking how I wish I could just die.  
  
Save me Daisuke  
Save me from myself  
  
"You look pretty tonight."  
Why can't I tell you that?  
"I'm cold Daisuke."  
So you come and wrap your arms around my shoulders and whisper a little song you're making up on the spot. Your breath is tickling my ear Daisuke, it's very annoying. But I smile anyway.  
"Better?"  
"Much."  
  
A boy of little words  
  
Is that what I am? Somebody told me that once. I guess I'm not really a boy anymore. I do talk though. When I'm alone with Daisuke. Can you do that thing tonight?  
You know the one I mean?  
Where I'm just sitting there talking, and you make us a cup of tea each and put the fire on and turn the lights down and all the while I'm still talking about nothing. Then you bring in a blanket and wrap it round both of us on the sofa, and then I have to stop talking because you're kissing me. And then you tell me what you think of what I was talking about, even though it was just ramble really.  
I like it when you do that.  
You're breathing's slowed down. I can hear it. You're going to say it. Please, Daisuke...please don't say it...  
  
"I love you, Ken."  
  
...I...  
  
Oh god...  
  
I can't even write it...  
  
I cried a tear  
For nobody but you 


	4. Hold On

Chapter Three  
  
Hold On  
  
Need to know if you're letting go  
  
It's alright  
  
Didn't know I was hurting you so  
  
It's alright  
  
"I'd like to talk about your home life today, Ken."  
  
Ah yes, well you may want to Akari-san, but I am certainly not going to divulge to you information about the only people that keep me sane.  
  
"Are you living alone right now?"  
  
"No." Keep the questions simple and everything will be okay. I don't enjoy lying, despite the fact I lie to Daisuke everyday when he asks me if I'm alright, but I still don't like it. So I don't really want to do it to you too. You look at me above your thin frameless glasses. Are they new? I haven't seen you wearing them before.  
  
"Who do you live with?"  
  
"Daisuke."  
  
". . .You haven't mentioned him before." You scan your notes in surprise. Why be so astonished? You never asked. Besides, I don't want you knowing about Daisuke. He's mine. You can't have him, Akari-san. I won't let you. "Would you like to tell me about him?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Please tell me Ken, I'm very interested." Oh I know you are. Your pen hand is quivering slightly. I want you to shut up now Akari-san. This is dangerous territory. "If you won't talk to me, I may have to talk to him myself." Don't threaten me. "Will you bring him to our next session?"  
  
. . .I reach a compromise. I'll bring him, but I won't say anything else today. I fold my arms and glare at you, and watch you wilt under the intensity.  
  
It's quite fun really.  
  
* "How was therapy?" Daisuke asks as soon as he comes home. I tell him Akari- san wants him to come next week. He chokes slightly on his tea. "What?! Why?" I shrug. He ponders this for a minute, then starts talking about something else. Daisuke's attention span was never that long. Not that I mind.  
  
"Will you come?" I interrupt. I wasn't really listening to him anyway, rude as that sounds.  
  
"Sure." I was more than half hoping he'd decline.  
  
*  
  
"Ah. You must be Daisuke." Usually in polite conversation, this would be followed by "I've heard so much about you." But I haven't told you anything, Akari-san, so you look like a fool. Daisuke sits on the sofa with me, eying you with a look of deep mistrust. This could be because I have never said a good word about you, or just because you're twitching nervously at this open display of suspicion against you. Probably both. "So. . .ah. . .Ken tells me you live together."  
  
Daisuke immediately puts his hand around the back of the sofa. They are not draped around my shoulders, but Daisuke looks about to do that. He fingers the back of my neck and my hair, but you can't see. "Yeah, that's right."  
  
"How long for?"  
  
"A few years." He says vaguely. "But it's a permanent arrangement." Daisuke puts a lot of emphasis on 'permanent' and I smile a little.  
  
"Has Ken ever had any. . .problems. . .in this time?" You look very hot and uncomfortable, though the window is open.  
  
"Nothing major. You lose your temper a bit easily, don't you Hun?" He says to me. I nod. You scribble madly. Time passes in this fashion. You ask questions. Daisuke answers indistinctly. You write. It's a cycle. I get bored after a while and become content with just staring at Daisuke. But after a while, something catches my attention.  
  
"Does Ken ever talk about Osamu with you?"  
  
Daisuke looks at me for permission. I shrug. "Yes. Sometimes."  
  
My fist clenches. It does that a lot when people talk about Osamu. Totally involuntary, which is odd for me, because I have no qualms about lashing out. Because I get angry so easily. You know that. I slapped you once, I'll do it again if you keep talking about Osamu. Even though you think you're so good to me, taking me back even after that, not suing. . .I'd rather just go. You're not helping.  
  
"What sort of things does he say?"  
  
My nails dig into my fist. Shut up. My hands'll bleed if you don't shut the fuck up.  
  
"Does he talk about his dreams with you?"  
  
Shut. UP. You, with your stupid hair, I just wanna yank it all out and chuck your hello fucking kitty pad out the window, and scream and kick your face in. I'll do it, I will.  
  
"Dreams? What dreams?"  
  
"The nightmares, about Osamu."  
  
". . .What is she talking about Ken?"  
  
I'm not listening. I'm. Not. Hearing. You. BITCH. Daisuke grabs my shoulders. "DON'T TOUCH ME!"  
  
Everything stops. Daisuke stops, staring at me. I don't shout at Daisuke. Not ever. But I just did. You're not looking at me, Akari-san. Can't you even bear to look at me? Am I that screwed up, I don't even deserve a disapproving look from you, the lowest of the low? I think I must be. Finally, Daisuke speaks.  
  
". . .Ken, why don't you talk to me about these things?"  
  
". . .Because. . .Because I don't. . .want my time with you. . .to be like it is here. . .I need some time to not think about these things. . ."  
  
Daisuke runs his hand through his hair and sighs desperately. "You can't just ignore it Ken!" But he doesn't say anything else.  
  
You're looking nervous now, but I've calmed down now. "I think we'll leave today's session at that." Fine by me.  
  
*  
  
The first thing I do when I get home is have a long, hot bath and sort things out in my head. As well as I can, anyway.  
  
I. . .  
  
Have to tell him.  
  
. . .Do I?  
  
Do I have to?  
  
I don't want to, god how I don't. But. . .  
  
*  
  
". . .Daisuke. . ."  
  
". . .Are you ready to tell me?"  
  
". . .No. . ." I whisper. "But I have to." He takes my hand and grips it tightly. This isn't the same as with you, Akari-san. It's so much harder. I take a deep breath.  
  
And begin.  
  
This is just one of those lonely nights 


End file.
